Good & Bad Ways to Deal with Freelancing Anxiety

Central Park & Skyscrapers

I’m back on the Bolt Bus on my way from New York City to Philadelphia looking at the shimmer of lights aglow in skyscrapers dotting the sunset as I enter the depths of the Lincoln Tunnel. While I’m on my way back to Philly for a few days to spend some time with my Danya, I am also going back a night early for another reason. I’ve hinted at this before, but I’m not sure if I’ve written about it in any detail. While I’ve never specifically been diagnosed with clinical anxiety (though I tried medication for a short period of time with no effects), I can be prone to spiraling into streams of stressful contemplation about my present and future. Some people have anxiety when it comes to performing, this is definitely not me. But in my past few years as a freelance artist, I have developed a great deal of anxiety surrounding where my next job is coming, from what is going to happen in my career, and what the future holds. I had a good handle on these impulses to overanalyze every possible thing that could go wrong when I had a stable job position. But as many other freelance artists have shared with me, living from job to job and paycheck to paycheck can pull out a whole slew of emotions that can send one driving down a highway of reasonable and unreasonable concern. While I am seasoned in how to deal with anxiety, I can’t say that I am an expert at coping. But with all of my experience in this area, I’d like to share some GOOD and BAD ways that I, myself, and others I’ve worked with handle their anxiety.

Anxious Face

GOOD - Write down what is making you anxious, why it is making you anxious, whether it is valid, and a game plan to relieve your concern if you consider it valid. Most of the time, I find that my anxious thoughts like to replay over and over again in my head because I like to evaluate, then reevaluate the evaluation to bring about the best outcome. This can be helpful to a degree, but tends to bring about a never ending cycle of thought. If I put these items down on paper, I tend to take the thoughts out of my head and stop the cycle of overthinking.

Dinner with my family (niece & Danya with me)

BAD - I know a handful of people that shut down when they are stressed. Instead of dealing or coping with what is causing their anxiety, they sleep all day, stop interacting with people, or just ignore their anxiety in hopes that it will disappear. This is no way to handle anxious thoughts. Try to avoid and be proactive to stop these negative coping mechanisms. Get up and get out. Go see some friends or family. There is no better way to stop anxious thoughts dead in their tracks then by hanging out with people that care about you. If you are with people you trust and have a chance to share what you are experiencing, then do so. But don’t dwell on the subject too long or let that anxiety take away your chance to forget about what is stressing you out.

GOOD - If money is stressing you out, as it does for many freelancers, don’t allow yourself to stay holed up in your apartment. Maybe you haven’t eaten out for awhile because of your financial fears. Maybe you haven’t seen an inspiring show in some time because “you just can’t afford it.” Don’t sit around your apartment feeling all anxious and sad about your bank accounts current state. There are ways to make things happen, you just need to be savvy. For instance, I am currently in a famine state of work. So, while I survive off of the feasts of yesterday, I find ways to make things happen. Can’t go out for dinner? I make dinner at home, then meet up with a friend for “dinner” and order fries or an inexpensive appetizer. A few bucks is worth my sanity. Or make a picnic and eat it outside of the comfort of your home. Don’t feel that you can purchase a ticket to that production that you have had on your calendar for 6 months? Give a few things up. Whether it be your daily latte, that bottle of wine, or that thing you think you need today (but could really get in a week or a month), pass on these items and buy that ticket. This way, you aren’t losing any money that you weren’t going to spend anyway and it feels like a special treat.

Overindulging, perhaps, with a delicious Pumpkin Martini.

BAD - Alcohol, Drugs, Etc. - Now I’m not one to judge and I’ve overindulged before. But turning to items outside of your body to help relieve anxiety is generally only a temporary fix to the bigger issue at hand. While becoming intoxicated is an easy solve to relieve overwhelming anxiety and stress, these things are likely to cause more of it down the line. Drugs and alcohol not only cost a great deal of money (which is a likely contribution to your anxiety), they often leave you feeling depressed, tired, and more anxious afterwards. Now, some people do require a certain dose of prescription drugs to chemically balance their brains or to take the edge off of extreme symptoms. But there is also a fine line with these types of drugs, as well. Don’t be afraid of a recreational evening with friends. Just be aware of your reason for indulging and avoid excess.

GOOD - A great deal of my own anxiety stems beyond finances outside of a feast period. But I also deal with stress caused by overwork and lack of immediate results. While dancers tend to judge their career well-being on the parts that they are cast to dance at any given moment, freelance artists tend to note their worth based on whether they are working and what they are working on. One way that I cope with this may seem a little odd. During my off times, you can often find me reviewing my previous work. Whether it be watching a particular role that I felt good in or a ballet that I choreographed, I watch things that remind me that I am successful and have talent. For me, particularly, it is easy to feel like a failure when sitting around waiting for that next call back or commission. Reviewing my previous work not only helps remind myself of where I’ve come from, it helps inspire me to push my next bout of work even further.

BAD - At times, I have committed the worst offense that most people dealing with some type of anxiety commit. I have lashed out at loved ones when they are trying to help. When things become overwhelming, it can be hard to tell when somebody is trying to help because often it feels like nothing can help. A partner offers some advice and you respond with a snap. A friend tries to relate and you tell them that they just don’t understand. Remember this. There is no greater gift than receiving the support of a loved one. Even if you can’t move past yourself, step outside of your mind and show appreciation for the care being offered to you.

GOOD - Look around at the things in your life that you can take control over. Anxiety tends to be inspired by an overwhelming fear of things that are mostly out of your control. Maybe they will be in your control at some point in the future. But, at the moment, you are unlikely to control all aspects of your future that concern you. If you take charge of certain things that are more in your control, like how much sleep you get, how much time you spend working to get work, how much recreational time you give yourself, and the state of your body, you may not feel as overwhelmed by the things in your career and life that are out of your control.

One of my favorite anxiety reducing activities - photographing skyscrapers (World Trade Center)

8 Gifts My Career has Given Me

Channukah is a bit early this year, beginning on December 6th. It always feels odd when it is this early, considering that American holiday culture climaxes between December 24th and January 1st. I always love to do list posts as we enter the final month of the year. I’m sitting on a Bolt Bus after a few days in New York City, so I have a few hours to write. So, why not create a list post in honor of my people’s holiday.

Chanukkah is called the Festival of Lights, which was birthed as a celebration over oil which burned much longer than it ever should have. In fact, it burnt for 8 whole days and nights. And why it may not be the most important holiday in the Jewish faith, it is marketed as such to compete with Christmas. Essentially, it is done to avoid conversations like this.

Mother: “Chanukkah isn’t really an important holiday, so I’m not gonna buy you any gifts?”
Daughter: “You aren’t gonna buy me gifts?”
Mother: “No”
Daughter: “Fine! Then I’m gonna convert to Christianity to celebrate Christmas and get thousands of gifts!"

Secular Chanukkah Bush

I’m so secular its ridiculous. And I’ve never heard this conversation. I'm looking forward to lighting the candles over the next week or so. And maybe I'll get one or two gifts. But don't worry, I'm gonna give you a gift for every single night of the holiday. I present to you 8 gifts my career as a professional dancer has given me over the years. And go!

1. A Sculptured Body:

Photo: Shalem Photography

I mean, let’s be serious. Who doesn’t want a dancer’s body? We work out almost every day, all day. We hold our legs in the air until they shake because it looks cool. Taking a break for a few days or a week actually means that we are probably still going to the gym every day. As I enter my 30’s, it gets a little harder to maintain. But THANK YOU ballet for giving me a hot bod throughout my 20’s (and hopefully forever)!

2. Discipline:

How often do you see children working quietly, giving 1000%, and repeating physical activities daily until they are almost perfect? In our culture of freedom and expectation of recognition (and not always recognition that derives from hard work), it can be a challenge to find young dedicated children who are focused and driven towards excellency. But you can walk into a proper ballet studio and find groups of children attending class daily, stretching prior to class, moving their young bodies daily through intensely difficult physical feats, and finding joy in the rewards of their efforts. Dance has given me a work ethic that could likely compete with the CEO of any major company.

3. Pretending That I’m Rich:

Baby Barry wearing Prada

These days media loves to pull back the curtains, show the gritty side of our world, and prove that we aren’t all glamourous divas bourre-ing or jete-ing across the stage. But to be completely honest, I’ve had some really glamorous experiences as a dancer and choreographer. I’ve partied in mansions over lakes with live harps playing at the base of winding stairs. I’ve clinked champagne glasses during toasts at gala dinners where a table of 8-10 people goes for thousands of dollars. I’ve sported a $3,000 prada suit for a fashion show. A donor for a company became a great friend and insisted we eat the finest of foods every time we went out for a friendly dinner. And while I currently waver back and forth from comfortable to starving artist, I still get tastes of living in the upper class. The best part of all of this is that my lifestyle with these sips of glamour keep me grounded, grateful, and hungry to achieve more.

4. Travel:

There are many types of dance artists. Company Dancers. Freelance Artists. Those who only perform concert dance, commercial dance, musical theatre, and more. As a kid, I dreamed of joining a major company, partially because I thought it would show me the world. But as the economic climate changed, larger companies ditched a great deal of their tours to protect their indefinite budgets. Once I started freelancing, I never imagined that I would be paid to travel all across the country (still waiting to go somewhere international) without being attached to a company. I am very grateful that dance has given me opportunities to see our great country.

5. Sense of Humor:

Abby playing w/my donkey head from A Midsummers Night Dream

Rarely have I met a dancer without a sense of humor. And when I do, I just can’t imagine how they maintain any passion for our career. Dance is hard. Very hard! And for those that can’t laugh off a fumble onstage, an awkward partnering moment, or a colleague poking fun, I feel sad for their extreme sensitivity. Most dancers I know have an incredible gift for laughing at themselves and finding light in even the most daunting situations. What would I have done if I didn’t look forward to being in Pacific Northwest Ballet’s end of the year blooper reel if something went ridiculously wrong onstage? 

6. Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Skills:

I recently read this amazing article by John Michael Schert, former Executive Director and dancer with the Trey Mcintyre Project. It perfectly explains a(n) unique quality of dancers that is rarely spoken about. Stellar communication abilities. While dancers need to have quality verbal communication skills to work in the majorly collaborative atmosphere that is a dance studio, their study of expressing oneself without words makes them excellent with non-verbal communication, too. Often, I can take a look at somebody I am having a conversation with and alter how I am interacting based on my perception of their body language. Beyond this, I can use my own body language to add more emphasis to a point that I am trying to make in a conversation.

7. Friends:

It is almost impossible to work in any dance environment without becoming close to your peers and colleagues. Essentially, we are given a mission and asked to work together to solve that mission the best we can. At times, there may be disagreements. But there is a sense of camaraderie, respect, and accomplishment that comes out of working together in a group to achieve a high level of success. All friendships are essentially borne from camaraderie and respect. It is practically impossible not to connect with those sharing this situation with you.

Outstanding Choreographer Award - Youth America Grand Prix

8. Accomplishment:

There is nothing more gratifying in this life then setting your mind to achieve something, doing everything in your power to make it happen, and reaping the benefits of your hard work. A dance career consists of many series of efforts, failures, and successes. It is practically impossible not to have accomplishments in a dance career. And some of them might even be major. But even at the most basic level, every day that you go to class you will accomplish something. It’s that simple.

Reacclimating to Home After Being Away

Excited to come home to Philly - Italian Market

On December 7th, I will return to Philadelphia after being away from home for 108 days, or about three and a half months. This has been the longest I have been away from home without at least passing through for a day or two in between gigs. The first time I spent more than a few weeks away from home, I was surprised to find that getting back into my normal patterns was much more difficult than I had expected. Spending any extended period of time in a different environment requires some adjusting to get back into the swing of things, even in the comfort of your own surroundings.

I've often found while preparing for a performance, my focus becomes very intense and I may become completely consumed by the process necessary to get ready for stage. When I worked at Pacific Northwest Ballet, this was built into the fabric of my every day life. I woke up in my own bed, worked at the same facility daily, and returned home to rest in my own apartment. When I had weekends off, I would rest, hang out with friends, and enjoy the surroundings of my city. Developing patterns over time and repetition are natural and make living your own chosen lifestyle comfortable.

Dance is my business (Photo: Brian Mengini)

While preparing for a show as a freelancer may be similar to my experience at PNB in some regards,
it can be quite different when you don't work where you reside. Essentially, a dancer is often forced to start from scratch with their lifestyle and friendships in each locale that they are hired. You generally can't call your close friends to hang out, go to that same yoga place that always helps you find your zen, find the exact same ingredients to that favorite meal you make every week, or drink at your favorite watering hole to let off some steam. Each freelancing gig can be an exciting, fresh adventure in a new city. But while you are building an alternative, short-term lifestyle elsewhere, everything still keeps running like usual back at home. Dealing with this reality can often be one of the biggest challenges for anybody that travels for extended periods of time with their work.

Back in 2012, when I first spent 5 weeks away from home with Alaska Dance Theatre, I was thrilled to return home to enjoy the familiar, see my partner and cats, and visit my friends and family. When I left home, tons of friends showed up to throw me a party to send me off on my adventure. Once in Anchorage, I became so immersed in my work that I didn't really think to shoot off a text message or make a phone call to check in with what was happening with most of those people. After my time away, I expected the exact same reception for my return upon my arrival. A few people had reached out to me on Facebook and stated how excited they were to see me. But the reality of my homecoming was more like walking onto an empty country field in the dead of night. Instead of stepping back into a scene of revelry, I came home to crickets. Most of those friends who sent me off were continuing on with their lives as they normally did. Nobody was holding their breath waiting for my plane to touch down.

Dan working from home

Beyond my local social network, another place that, surprisingly, had changed was in my home. While my partner and I had been together for over 7 years and talked on the phone nightly, he had started to develop patterns that didn't include me. Since he works from home, he had gotten used to working alone in our living space and enjoying the quiet and freedom that came with it. A simple midday question from me could lead to a stressful conversation about interrupting work-related activities. Where I used to be in a pattern of performing household chores, I had gotten more lax living in a home with a host family. I even expected extra attention. I felt like we had to make up for lost time. But things had continued on without me, even in my own home.

What I had originally thought would be an easy reintroduction, turned into a stressful period of examination and carefully executed re-entry. I spent my first week at home depressed and sitting around waiting for my phone to ring with invitations to reconnect. I quickly realized that any effort to see old friends was going to require me to be the one to reach out. One of my biggest challenges was that I had started freelancing almost immediately after moving to a new city. If I had been living in Philadelphia for a few years, it probably would have been easier to reconnect with friends. But I was still in the development period of most of my friendships in the city. I had to be very patient to connect again and found myself spending a lot of time exploring Philly on my own to occupy my time before my next travels.

Exploring Philly on my own

When it comes to reacclimating to living with somebody that you have a relationship with, I find the best route to take is to leave all expectation at the airplane door. Yes, you still have the same relationship that you used to have. But it is human nature to adapt to your surroundings quickly. For this reason, instead of stepping into your situation with expectations, I would suggest taking a step back and letting things find a refreshed order. Even though you missed each other, you don't have to feel that you have to fit five weeks of time into the first week after you've returned. Take your time, don't overwhelm one another, and allow for a little added space than you are used to. Where you may have spent every non-working moment together in the past, you have likely gotten used to spending a bit more time to yourself. See where each of you are and slowly start to get back into more common patterns.
 
Time away from your home environment allows for one to return with new and fresh excitement. But don't let expectation get in the way of a happy return. Reach out to friends while you travel and after you've come home, but don't put the pressure on yourself to have an exciting homecoming party waiting for you. Don't feel like you need to live your life exactly as you did before you left. And don't suffocate your loved ones with immediate expectations. While traveling for work and time apart can make the heart grow fonder, break mundane lifestyle patterns, and refresh your outlook on living, it can also add stress to what used to be regular patterns. If you approach your return with less expectation and more awareness, you can gain a great deal of life experience to enrich your lifestyle at home.

Me and Dan during 2 weeks inbetween gigs

Clearing up the fear of going to classy events

Attending a gala fundraising event for Alaska Dance Theatre w/fellow ADT dancer Sarah Grundwaldt

One of the most interesting things about being a dancer is that you, at times, get to experience the life of luxury. While most dancers can barely afford a modest 1-bedroom apartment, a car, an acceptable computer, and a few dinners out a week, they are expected to dip their toes into the lives of the wealthy and act accordingly. I remember my first event at a donor's house when I was an apprentice with Houston Ballet. Everybody was dressed to the nines, holding a glass of wine in one hand, and grabbing hors d'oeuvres with the other. As I tried to find that balance between figuring out how to act and pretending like I had attended hundreds of these special events, I began my journey into adulthood and the life of a professional dancer.

Most of these events are greatly important to organizations that employ you and pay your salary. At these fancy venues, companies inspire interest and develop relationships that may eventually or already have funded programs, seasons, and artists like myself. While many artists prefer to sit in the corner talking to their friends and colleagues, it is greatly important as a dancer and person that we learn how to reach out and properly conduct ourselves in these situations. For this reason, I have compiled a list of proper etiquette, behavior, and the best ways to approach multiple angles of these events.

- Always read the invite to make sure that you understand the time, location, and type of event.

- Different types of attire:

Casual - Wear something comfortable, but avoid t-shirts and inexpensive jeans that look worn, torn, or old.  Men - maybe a collared shirt or something that isn't a t-shirt. Women - A relaxed dress or nice slacks.

Cocktail - Wear something classy, but nothing like you would wear at a wedding. Men - no jeans, definitely a collared shirt or classy top. Women - same as men with jeans. Wear a cute dress that you

Baby version of me in cocktail attire.

might wear if you were going out with your friends. Add some nice jewelry for flare.

Gala/Black-tie - Men - Wear a suit and tie, blazer, or, if you really want to show off, a tux. Women - A very classy and nice dress or a fancy suit. More refined than something you would wear out on a Saturday night. 

- Arrival - I always love when the first person who shows up to a party is exactly on time. Unfortunately, having been to and thrown many events, I have seen the discomfort on that person's face when they realize they are the first and only person/couple there. If you aren't privy to break the ice with the host or have a conversation with more strangers than friends, being the first to arrive is probably not for you. I would suggest showing up about 30 minutes late if you feel this way. Within an hour to an hour and a half of the party starting, there is usually a speech or something important happening. Try to arrive by the end of the first hour at the latest. As long as you show up by a reasonable time, though, nobody will bat an eyelash at you. Just have an, "I had another amazing event to go to first," excuse.

- How To Act - One thing that most people are worried about is that they have to be on their best behavior. Yes, you have to be respectful to the host, come off as interested and knowledgeable about your field, and remain social. But you shouldn't change your personality, completely avoid disagreeing with a view/opinion, or worry about doing the wrong thing. Don't pretend to talk about something that you don't understand. If you don't understand, ask for more information on the topic. This will show you are engaged and eager to get to know somebody. In the end, while people at these events may feel elite, they are still human beings with concerns, faults, and eccentricities.

- Don't get wasted. If you accidentally go a little overboard, though, it is not the end of the world. Unfortunately, you will find that there are a few people at every major event that get a little too toasty. If this happens at each and every event, you may start to get looks and become the avoided one (maybe consider checking into AA). But nearly everybody at these events has had a moment. Just don't knock over any million dollar vases. And, of course, make sure that you have somebody to drive you home safely.

- While this isn't a requirement, most people feel most comfortable with a drink in their hands. If you want to slow down or don't drink, get something non-alcoholic. If you don't want to feel pressure from people, lie to them and tell them that your water is a vodka soda. Nobody will ever know.

- One thing that drives me nuts is how people get embarrassed about eating at parties, especially with a drink in their hand. If you are hungry, eat. Alcohol is often flowing at these parties to liquor up donors and convince them to donate money/relax and enjoy themselves more. If you don't eat, you may have one of those moments I was talking about above. There is nothing wrong with finding a corner where you can put your drink down to use your hands to eat. It can be difficult to eat at a stand-up party. If somebody asks you a question while your mouth is full, hold a finger up, laugh it off, and joke about it. There is no reason to be uncomfortable eating, as everybody is in the same position and it is not easy to eat with one hand free.

- Make sure that you don't venture into a part of the house that may be off-limits. Many donors have expensive items that they want to protect or they want to keep the party compact. You don't want to be the reason that a donor stops holding events at their place.

- While it is perfectly acceptable to spend some time talking to friends/colleagues, don't stand in a closed circle the entire time. Potential donors come to these events because it is their chance to feel like they are an integral part of an organization. If you aren't comfortable meeting donors on your own, grab a friend and walk around with them.

- To start a conversation, ask somebody how long they have been involved in an organization. My favorite go-to ice breaker when an event is directly after a performance would be, "What was your favorite part of the program?" While you may know nothing about each other, you at least have one common interest, dance.

- Don't talk about yourself the entire time. Donors are usually interested in hearing what a dancer has to say. But they usually connect with dancers that also express interest in what they do. Mutual interest is much more engaging than egotistical self-promotion.

- To exit a conversation, you can say that you want to mix and mingle more. If the conversation has become increasingly difficult to exit, it is easiest to excuse yourself to use the restroom.

- If there isn't a clearly marked end time, feel when the crowd is starting to dwindle. Try not to be the last person at the event, unless you know the person throwing the party or if they have engaged you in conversation. Keep an eye on social cues from people who are trying to be nice, but really want you to leave.

The only ways to truly embarrass yourself at a classy event is to become way too intoxicated or to completely isolate yourself with your friends and stay closed off in a corner while ignoring donors. Everybody has broken a wine glass, been approached with a mouthful of food, stumbled here or there, or made an off-the-wall comment. If you follow these guidelines while attending a high-level event, you should be fine. But if you read all of this information really closely, you'll find that most things are acceptable and that accidents do happen and are most often acceptable. Go prepared to be social and to enjoy yourself. Don't avoid these events. Not only can they be the most memorable events in the most amazing venues, but they can also form relationships with donors that may lead to friendship, promote your career, and support future work inside and outside a company.

Two close friends & donors, Ray Hoekstra & Dan Drummey, at Pacific Northwest Ballet's gala event in 2006