Good & Bad Ways to Deal with Freelancing Anxiety

Central Park & Skyscrapers

I’m back on the Bolt Bus on my way from New York City to Philadelphia looking at the shimmer of lights aglow in skyscrapers dotting the sunset as I enter the depths of the Lincoln Tunnel. While I’m on my way back to Philly for a few days to spend some time with my Danya, I am also going back a night early for another reason. I’ve hinted at this before, but I’m not sure if I’ve written about it in any detail. While I’ve never specifically been diagnosed with clinical anxiety (though I tried medication for a short period of time with no effects), I can be prone to spiraling into streams of stressful contemplation about my present and future. Some people have anxiety when it comes to performing, this is definitely not me. But in my past few years as a freelance artist, I have developed a great deal of anxiety surrounding where my next job is coming, from what is going to happen in my career, and what the future holds. I had a good handle on these impulses to overanalyze every possible thing that could go wrong when I had a stable job position. But as many other freelance artists have shared with me, living from job to job and paycheck to paycheck can pull out a whole slew of emotions that can send one driving down a highway of reasonable and unreasonable concern. While I am seasoned in how to deal with anxiety, I can’t say that I am an expert at coping. But with all of my experience in this area, I’d like to share some GOOD and BAD ways that I, myself, and others I’ve worked with handle their anxiety.

Anxious Face

GOOD - Write down what is making you anxious, why it is making you anxious, whether it is valid, and a game plan to relieve your concern if you consider it valid. Most of the time, I find that my anxious thoughts like to replay over and over again in my head because I like to evaluate, then reevaluate the evaluation to bring about the best outcome. This can be helpful to a degree, but tends to bring about a never ending cycle of thought. If I put these items down on paper, I tend to take the thoughts out of my head and stop the cycle of overthinking.

Dinner with my family (niece & Danya with me)

BAD - I know a handful of people that shut down when they are stressed. Instead of dealing or coping with what is causing their anxiety, they sleep all day, stop interacting with people, or just ignore their anxiety in hopes that it will disappear. This is no way to handle anxious thoughts. Try to avoid and be proactive to stop these negative coping mechanisms. Get up and get out. Go see some friends or family. There is no better way to stop anxious thoughts dead in their tracks then by hanging out with people that care about you. If you are with people you trust and have a chance to share what you are experiencing, then do so. But don’t dwell on the subject too long or let that anxiety take away your chance to forget about what is stressing you out.

GOOD - If money is stressing you out, as it does for many freelancers, don’t allow yourself to stay holed up in your apartment. Maybe you haven’t eaten out for awhile because of your financial fears. Maybe you haven’t seen an inspiring show in some time because “you just can’t afford it.” Don’t sit around your apartment feeling all anxious and sad about your bank accounts current state. There are ways to make things happen, you just need to be savvy. For instance, I am currently in a famine state of work. So, while I survive off of the feasts of yesterday, I find ways to make things happen. Can’t go out for dinner? I make dinner at home, then meet up with a friend for “dinner” and order fries or an inexpensive appetizer. A few bucks is worth my sanity. Or make a picnic and eat it outside of the comfort of your home. Don’t feel that you can purchase a ticket to that production that you have had on your calendar for 6 months? Give a few things up. Whether it be your daily latte, that bottle of wine, or that thing you think you need today (but could really get in a week or a month), pass on these items and buy that ticket. This way, you aren’t losing any money that you weren’t going to spend anyway and it feels like a special treat.

Overindulging, perhaps, with a delicious Pumpkin Martini.

BAD - Alcohol, Drugs, Etc. - Now I’m not one to judge and I’ve overindulged before. But turning to items outside of your body to help relieve anxiety is generally only a temporary fix to the bigger issue at hand. While becoming intoxicated is an easy solve to relieve overwhelming anxiety and stress, these things are likely to cause more of it down the line. Drugs and alcohol not only cost a great deal of money (which is a likely contribution to your anxiety), they often leave you feeling depressed, tired, and more anxious afterwards. Now, some people do require a certain dose of prescription drugs to chemically balance their brains or to take the edge off of extreme symptoms. But there is also a fine line with these types of drugs, as well. Don’t be afraid of a recreational evening with friends. Just be aware of your reason for indulging and avoid excess.

GOOD - A great deal of my own anxiety stems beyond finances outside of a feast period. But I also deal with stress caused by overwork and lack of immediate results. While dancers tend to judge their career well-being on the parts that they are cast to dance at any given moment, freelance artists tend to note their worth based on whether they are working and what they are working on. One way that I cope with this may seem a little odd. During my off times, you can often find me reviewing my previous work. Whether it be watching a particular role that I felt good in or a ballet that I choreographed, I watch things that remind me that I am successful and have talent. For me, particularly, it is easy to feel like a failure when sitting around waiting for that next call back or commission. Reviewing my previous work not only helps remind myself of where I’ve come from, it helps inspire me to push my next bout of work even further.

BAD - At times, I have committed the worst offense that most people dealing with some type of anxiety commit. I have lashed out at loved ones when they are trying to help. When things become overwhelming, it can be hard to tell when somebody is trying to help because often it feels like nothing can help. A partner offers some advice and you respond with a snap. A friend tries to relate and you tell them that they just don’t understand. Remember this. There is no greater gift than receiving the support of a loved one. Even if you can’t move past yourself, step outside of your mind and show appreciation for the care being offered to you.

GOOD - Look around at the things in your life that you can take control over. Anxiety tends to be inspired by an overwhelming fear of things that are mostly out of your control. Maybe they will be in your control at some point in the future. But, at the moment, you are unlikely to control all aspects of your future that concern you. If you take charge of certain things that are more in your control, like how much sleep you get, how much time you spend working to get work, how much recreational time you give yourself, and the state of your body, you may not feel as overwhelmed by the things in your career and life that are out of your control.

One of my favorite anxiety reducing activities - photographing skyscrapers (World Trade Center)

HIRE ME!!!! - Desperation vs. Patience

Performing Scales of Vertigo by Connor w/ Rachel Kantra Beal (Photo: Bill Hebert)

Dancers experience their market much like retailers do. Business booms during the holidays and then crashes to a halt after the new year begins. While many dancers can save up some money during Nutcracker season to get them through the month of January, by the middle of the month, if work isn't picking up, one might start to feel desperate as their savings run out. After contacting an employer to let them know that you are available for work, you may not hear from them for days, weeks, or at all. When does patience benefit you and when do you have to give in to desperation to ensure that you can continue to pay your bills?

After moving from a company with a 40-week contract to one with a 22-week contract to having no long term contracts, I have had my fair share of desperate moments. I have a little calendar on my website that lets people know when and where I am working (mostly in case someone wants to attend my performances, but also for employers to see my availability).  At times, that calendar will say "No shows booked at the moment." This means that I am either free to work or have been too busy to update that page. More often than not, though, it denotes that I don't have any contracts signed, which also means that I have very little income coming in. Teaching twice a week, picking up sub work, and teaching master classes is not enough for me to pay my bills. After a period of time without any prospects, I may start to feel a little panicky.

Often, when I feel panic starting to set in, I go into overdrive looking for work. For instance, this past week, I sent out 27 emails checking in with companies. Out of those 27 emails, less than one-fifth of those organizations returned my message. And a majority of those emails stated that the companies don't typically use freelance dancers. Then, out of nowhere, one potential job becomes available. But the time between contact takes a bit longer than my current comfort level. Maybe it took a normal amount of time, but, feeling panicked about how I am going to make rent for March, I start to feel like the employer isn't interested. Or maybe they are interested, but something is wrong with my email account (which has happened before). Or maybe I waited too long in my response and the employer got a bad taste in their mouth. Or maybe...or maybe... or maybe....I'm starting to feel a little desperate.

There will be times that freelance artists feel that nothing is ever going to formulate in terms of employment. This is a hazard of the trade. One must always push to get work, while having a backup plan in case nothing appears. The point here is that we all need to be practical. The moment that we start to lose our ability to be practical, we start to panic, lose our patience, become desperate, and possibly make poor decisions.

When independent contractors become desperate, their poor choices can take on a variety of faces. Perhaps, a dancer may focus too much on finding work and forget to keep in shape, so they aren't prepared when work comes along. At other times, someone may check out completely and ignore what they have to do because it is simply too much pressure. It is also common for people to start looking for work well below their skill set and salary needs. Not only does this act of desperation devalue the artist, but it also takes more time to make a smaller amount of income. Then, when a proper job becomes available, you may already be working. Or you may respond too aggressively or come off too overexcited and turn off the person with whom you are in contact. There are many things that people do in these moments of fear.

It is important to keep a level head when work is coming in at a glacial pace. Patience is the key that will get one through these cool periods. While it may not be easy to feel patient, it is always important to act patient. One may feel that they need to take a job the moment that it appears. But, now more than ever, it is pertinent to take some time to do some research on the job that you have been offered. Look at their website. If they have a Youtube presence, watch a few videos. Ask a few questions before offering a "Yes! I am AVAILABLE!!!!! HIRE ME!" While you may be feeling this on the inside, you still need to make sure that the work you are accepting is legitimate. In the worst case scenarios, you could even find yourself fighting to get paid without having done proper research and assessment. Patience is the virtue that will keep you on track. It is your ability to assess. Beyond all of this, it will keep you sane, level-headed, and happier with your choices.

While patience is extremely important when seeking and accepting work, becoming too patient can also work against you. Leaving too much time between contact can lose a job opportunity for you. Not all employers will send you a message that asks if you are still interested. If they have a deadline to meet and they feel that you may not accept an offer, they may find another dancer without letting you know that they are doing so. Patience is a two-way street. I find it best to offer a time frame when giving yourself a cushion to make a decision. For instance, this past week, I was offered work for a month between April and May. I am waiting to have a conversation with another employer and don't want to make any decisions until that happens. When speaking to the director of the April-May job, I mentioned that I needed to check on a few things and that I would get back to them by Tuesday. This way, the director doesn't feel that I am going to take my time only to say no. But if they don't hear from me by Tuesday, they can choose to call me to check in or start looking for another possibility.

It is also important not to be so overly patient that you hold off on something that really excites you. I tend to be the type that wants to make sure that every aspect of a job is going to be perfect. I've also been in situations where there is a very small chance of a very unlikely prospect coming my way, but I don't want to commit to something unless I know that the potential opportunity is 100% not happening. Holding off is not wholly bad. But, for some reason, the dance world operates more along the lines of "I really want to work for you," instead of "I am more than worth you waiting for me." Be patient, but don't completely lack desperation.

Find balance in your business practices (Photo: Brian Mengini)

In the end, like most things, it is most important to find a good balance of patience and desperation. Desperation is here to make sure that we don't find ourselves without a rent check. While patience is around to make sure that you don't react on a whim and find yourself in a bad situation. It can become difficult to recognize when each is benefiting you or pulling you away from reaching your goals. I have learned that it is always best to give a moment before reacting to any offers, as my initial reaction is usually just that. A reaction. After the initial excitement or exposure of red flags is complete, it is an easier decision that you can feel more comfortable about making in the end.

How do you handle your own moments of desperation?

Why artists are expected to have little self-value?

I have been taking a hiatus from all forms of social media for the past week. Riding on the sweet success of Life of a Freelance Dancer accruing 25,000 views, I felt that it was time to take a week away from marketing myself as a product and to sit back, relax, and assess where I am going in this career. My first week without any form of social media in my daily life since 2004 has taught me a lot and given me a fresh new perspective on my intentions and actions, which I am grateful for at this time in my life. In less than a week, I leave for Los Angeles to rehearse for and perform in the launch of Barak Ballet. And in less than two weeks, I turn 30 years old. As I grow older, I grow wiser and my dancing has more value. But what I've also learned over the past week is that certain parts of the dance world don't agree with this.

(I would like to start this post with a disclaimer. This writing has some delicate moments and harsh realities that could be seen in the wrong light. I have no intentions of harm or dischord in publishing this, but I feel that this is a sensitive topic that needs to be discussed.)

Guesting w/Ballet Nova for Nutcracker (Photo: Ruth Judson)

Tis the season for Nutcracker to start calling. I have had a handful of offers through friends and employers that found me through my website. While I always appreciate being contacted to perform, I can't take every offer that comes my way. Sometimes, I am already booked during a period that my services are requested. At other times, an offer may not be substantial enough for the work that I need to put in. While I am passionate about what I do, this is how I make my living and I need to be picky about choosing the best option for myself, artistically and financially.

Last week, I was blown away by a situation that I found myself in. I had been contacted with a request to perform in a school's Nutcracker. While their offer was very generous, their consideration of what constituted a paid performance was not cohesive with mine. In typical fashion, when an offer is not agreeable for me, I either counter-offer or gracefully step out of the negotiation. On this occasion, I felt we could work something out and decided to counter-offer. Instead of receiving a response of agreement, negotiation, or decline, I was sent a scathing four paragraph email that badgered me, tore apart my resume, and tried to devalue my worth. This was all from somebody I had never met and that had never seen me dance. To be completely honest, I was so shocked I couldn't even be upset. Instead of reacting to this difficult response, I ingested the content as a learning experience and replied with a brief note thanking them for taking me into consideration and suggested that they move on to their other options.

While I didn't take this unprovoked attack as a truth, I did gain a lot of insight from my many days of processing this unnecessary response. As a dancer, you are expected to be open, available, and humble. While you are expected to respect the process and the system, that process and system does not have to respect you. I've learned during my 11 years as a professional that while there are human emotions involved in the interactions that take place in the creation of a performance, that in the end, the production takes full precedent over any situation that may involve emotion. Casting, injury, life events, arguments, money, and more. In the end, nothing matters except that the best product be put forth onstage.

When I was in my final year of training at the School of American Ballet, I very clearly remember ingesting one of the most shocking statements made by one of my most respected teachers. "Ok. So you're grandma died this morning. But that person sitting in the audience paid $200 for their ticket. They don't care how you are feeling inside. They want to see a good performance." As difficult as this was to hear, it was true. I've seen this exact scenario play out. I've experienced this scenario myself. Most dancers that have made it to a professional level understand how this system works. And along with all of the other difficulties dancers face, they still put on a good show.

Now, this is where things get complicated. When a dancer works for a company, they only have to deal with production aspects of putting on a show. As a freelancer, there is a bit of work that needs to take place before both parties get to move on to the production stage of dance. Negotiations take place, which can be as simple as an accepted offer or a fine-tuning of details. While some employers understand that the art of negotiating is impartial, others can feel it is an attack on an organization's character. In these situations, where you determine pay, terms of your stay, your workload, and more, certain emotions can be brought forth that have nothing to do with a negotiation. And more often than not, these feelings come from a place that we all started. Our training.

I have discussed this before, but it is important to reiterate it again. Dancers are taught from a young age to be submissive. They are taught that they are expendable and that there are hundreds of other dancers that want their job. For this reason, a majority of the dance world feels that one should be grateful for any job opportunity that arises. It is common for a company to feel that it is a privilege to work with them, less so an accomplishment of one's hard work. But when a dancer leaves the submissive role and tries to stick up for their value or rights, they are suddenly egotistical, hard to work with, and a diva. A prime example of this would be when I worked for an employer that loved me dearly and that I loved dearly as well. While we had a mutual respect for each other, there were often jokes that I was a diva when I would bring up situations that were not commonplace in most of the companies I have danced for. While we were able to laugh at this, I was still gently nudged that I was breaking "dance code" for speaking up for things like not having a break for nearly two hours.

As freelancers, we have to take care of ourselves. If we get hurt on the job, we don't have the privilege of having worker's compensation pay our salary and provide our medical care. If we don't negotiate a comfortable living environment at a home-stay, we have to sit tight or uncomfortably complain to try to find a more agreeable resolution. If we don't negotiate a respectable salary, we can't pay our bills. But it is not uncommon for dancers to be made an offer and expected to accept with full appreciation that they were even given an opportunity to dance. This needs to change.

One of my audition shots - circa 2002 (Photo: Roe O'Connor)

When I was 18 years old, I was offered a contract in the corps of Colorado Ballet. My starting salary was $500 per week. By the time I left Pacific Northwest Ballet, my salary was well into four figures per week. The company I left PNB for offered me nearly one third of what I had been making out northwest and I graciously accepted without negotiation. I began freelancing while dancing with that company. During this time I realized that not only could I barely sustain myself on that salary while I was working, but I couldn't save any money to sustain myself when I wasn't working. And now that I am freelancing full-time, aside from Nutcracker season, most of the work that I am offered usually pays at or below the offer I was made for my very first job. Eleven years after starting my career, I am performing at a higher level than I did at 18 years old and I am, at times, forced to feel ashamed for trying to ask for a livable wage. It is not a matter of asking whether or not this is fair. It is more a matter of asking when those that were once in this position and moved up to leadership roles will respect and appreciate what dancers go through in this career and that their survivability should come before their production.

I am not writing this post to call anybody out and there are some employers that I have worked for that have been greatly generous in their efforts to support me and the other artists that they employ. I think it is important to raise awareness that artists and their value are often abused by the ideals that are imposed by their very training. While some of the ideals that are taught as a student are necessary to create beautiful artists in the most difficult of fields, these ideals need not to be imposed upon fully-grown artists that have worked years to develop and perfect their craft. An artist's value should not be taken lightly. Be grateful when offered work, but don't accept work that is not grateful back. Take a job where you will grow or find value in raising the level of a production, but don't let somebody tell you that your experience doesn't qualify you to respect yourself. Dance as if nobody is watching, but don't dance if nobody wants to foot the bill. While you can't control who is going to value you and your work, the best one can do in their career is to do exactly that for themselves.

(This post is dedicated to James Fayette, former New York City Ballet Principal and current New York area dance executive for AGMA, who was recently injured in a senseless attack in Riverside Park in Manhattan this past week (article). James and I worked together when I was a union rep at PNB. He taught me a great amount of what I know about fighting for dancer's rights. LOFD wishes him a speedy recovery)