Reframing Your Thinking

Overexposed and ringing in the new year with great friends

Whew! This new year has been a complete and utter whirlwind. I have had mostly major ups and a few minor downs (that include a business I will no longer support - Megabus - avoid this company at ALL costs). But I honestly can’t complain about anything at this point, other than the fact that I need a few more hours in my bed every night. Since the new year, I have taught master classes in both Ballet and Contemporary techniques for the pre-professional class at the School of Pennsylvania Ballet. There was even a sprinkling of company members who joined me for class. Additionally, I will be teaching Contemporary classes for the Second Avenue Dance Company in February. This is a performing group at New York University’s Tisch school comprised of graduating BFA and MFA students. With even more news to share, I have been selected to choreograph for Columbia University’s performing group, Columbia Ballet Collaborative, for their 10th anniversary performances in April. All of this coupled with my 7-week Advanced Beginner Ballet series at Broadway Dance Center (Fridays at 6 pm through February), choreographing student solos for Youth America Grand Prix, and teaching elsewhere has me feeling extremely grateful to be sought out in my art form.

Pre-professional division students at the School of Pennsylvania Ballet (Photo: Alexander Izaliev)

It’s funny, though, because while I am so lucky to have all of this interest in my work, there is a certain degree of anxiety that comes along with it. The concept behind this may require a bit of explanation. Just this weekend, I got news about 5 positive choreographic and teaching offers. While it seems that I should only be feeling excitement here, there is a certain type of stress that comes with positive news. I noticed today that I was experiencing a bit of my former anxiety that I used to get when I was traveling a bunch during my performance career. I would find myself attempting to focus on the work in front of my face, while feeling distracted by setting up what was next (one of the hazards of working as a freelancer). The impossibility of only focusing on the task at hand would make me feel overwhelmed and I now recognize that it contributed to my burn out that I have discussed in this blog already. As a freelance artist, your work stops when the jobs stop. In the process of working to set up continuity within my career, I never took a moment to recognize that I was actually having my career. Instead, I constantly felt like I was working on reaching a certain level of success in my career and didn’t realize that I was actually living it until it was over. There was very little in the moment for me because I was only living in the future.  And while that aspect of my career ended over 2 years ago, I only recognized this today.

So, just a little background. With all of this wonderful news that I’ve gotten in the last week, I had two horrible experiences with Megabus. If you don’t read this regularly, I commute from Philadelphia to New York City multiple times a week to teach at Steps on Broadway, Broadway Dance Center, and Greenwich Ballet Academy. Early on Friday morning, in freezing cold temperatures, our bus never showed up. And, shortly after, on Tuesday night, there were a series of fiascos that prevented our bus from arriving in Philadelphia until 4 am in the morning. I had to teach for the School of Pennsylvania Ballet at 9:30 am that same morning. I was put off by this organization both times and they refused to acknowledge their issues or compensate me for their poor practices/lack of service. This stress, coupled with exhaustion and the flood of positive news somehow threw me back into the throws of anxiety that I experienced previously. I found myself negatively fixated on my exhaustion and the challenges of having limited time in any one place. And I found that I was again telling myself that things will get better when I actually make it into a certain realm of success. Then, this afternoon, out of nowhere, I had a realization. I realized I needed to reframe my thinking because I want to take in all of the amazing experiences that I am having and be as in the moment as I possibly can.

We are very lucky as human beings that we have intellect and the ability to analyze things that are happening in our lives. I firmly believe that one of the best analytical qualities that we share is the ability to reframe life experiences in order to make a dialogue fit in better with our story. Sometimes, this works to our benefit. While, at other times, it can be very detrimental and lead a person to spiral into dark, dark places. But if we can take control of how we frame our life and career experiences in our minds, we can benefit greatly from this. Of course, this is as long as we are being honest with ourselves about where we are and how things are going.

In my current situation, it was almost a bit too natural for me to look at recent happenings and tell myself that things are difficult because I haven’t yet succeeded in reaching my end career goals. Mind you, this is ridiculous to consider at the age of 33. Additionally, I was digesting more stress from the challenges of dealing with the negligent Megabus company and the added exhaustion those issues brought on. I found myself walking to the gym before I jumped on the Bolt Bus to teach at Steps on Broadway tonight telling myself that everything will be glorious when I actually make it big someday. And then right then and there, almost as if I had been hit by a bus, I realized that I wasn’t looking at the situation from any rational perspective. I needed to reframe my thinking.

That moment at 3:34 am, when your Megabus driver gets off the bus to ask a homeless person for directions :-/

At that very moment, I reversed the natural stream of thoughts that roll through my head and chose to look at things differently. I told myself, “No. I am not in any bad situation, at all. And while there are always new dreams and achievements that I want to attain, I am actually living my dream right now. I’m not putting in the work to get to my dream. I’m putting in the work that one does while they live it and that is why I am successful. Yes, my success can get greater. Yes, I have greater goals in mind. But I am not putting in all of this work to get somewhere. I am there and, as long as I keep positively moving forward, it can only get better from here.”

So, now as I sit here on the Bolt Bus (goodbye Megabus 😂 have I made my point?) heading to Steps to teach, I realize that I should be proud of my success. And that my success sometimes puts me in situations that require me to travel a lot, to lose sleep, and to spend time away from my loved ones. This isn’t a greatly negative thing. It is an aspect of becoming successful. And if I can’t come to grips with that in this stage of my career, I may find myself in the same type of burn out situation that I was in at the end of my performance career. And, I don’t want to go through that again.

If you can use my exploration of the idea of reframing thinking to have a more positive outlook on your own life and career goals, I feel that you can benefit from this, as well. Dancers are naturally overachieving spirits. We are always looking to reach the next level of success in many areas of our lives. Whether it is casting, rank promotion, technique, health, or anything else, we tend to be extremely critical of ourselves. When you start to feel out of sorts, if you can reframe your thinking you may recognize that you have already achieved what you are seeking and that you just haven’t taken note that it is happening or already has happened.

Freelancing isn't all glory

Nearly every person that I speak to about my freelancing career usually responds with "You're life is so exciting!" I wouldn't necessarily disagree, but at times it is also exciting in a less than glorious way. I have been freelancing for about a year now and part of that time I was relying on regular, seasonal work with a company in Philadelphia. It was only at the beginning of April when I was forcibly placed into the role of full-time freelance dancer. I am not stating this to take away from the depth of knowledge that I do have about this field. While I am experienced, I am also continuing to have new experiences and learning about specific challenges that freelancers face. Unfortunately, freelancing is a lot of "you live, you learn." In the process of learning, it may present challenges to see how industrious and strong a person you are.

I know that this post is much darker than other writings on this blog, but there are certain realities that freelancers or those that wish to become one need to be aware of. Yes, I get to travel the world to dance. Yes, I get to follow my passion. Yes, I am my own boss. But there is also a harsher side of freelancing. First and foremost, pick-up dancers are not governed by a union that negotiates their contracts for them. Instead, it is the dancer's responsibility to make sure that all of their needs are met and put down in writing before committing to a gig. Unfortunately, most dancers don't realize exactly what this means until they have an experience that brings one of these needs to their attention. A majority of the time these issues relate to environment or transportation, but it can also relate to commitment and pay. Just read this article about the poor state of financial appreciation/respect for dance artists. When negotiating a contract, some employers will low-ball a dancer's pay. They may not be doing this to disrespect a dancer, but instead to preserve the financial well-being of the company. At the same time, it can be impossible for a dancer to meet their monthly needs at $400-$500/week. This can make it difficult to commit to work. Dancers want to be working and there is always the question of whether a dancer will be able to find better work during that period. So, negotiations need to take place. A dancer who is in demand may find that they are negotiating multiple contracts at once, which makes it easier to make little mistakes or miss a clause that is important. And being a young individual negotiating with the person who will presumably become your employer can be quite uncomfortable. Learning how to effectively negotiate salary is important for a freelancer. It is an art and it is a different process with each potential employer. A dancer doesn't want to appear selfish and egotistical. But at the same time, why shouldn't a dancer have the ability to pay their bills or put a little bit of money in their savings account? This is, in my opinion, one of the hardest parts of being a freelance dancer.

Another aspect of freelancing that presents a great challenge is covering your bills when you are not dancing for an employer. You can read about different things I do to survive in my previous blog, Summer Slow-down. Even though there are a lot of great ideas there, dancers can still encounter certain challenges in making ends meet. I am one of those dancers that prefers to find work that helps enrich my dance career, instead of seeking part-time work outside of my field. When I am not dancing, I am usually able to find work teaching master classes (I am lucky enough to be well connected in the Philadelphia region since I was raised in the suburbs). I have also obtained work at national competitions and performing minor gigs. Since I choose not to get a job outside of my field and my weekly offerings change, I don't necessarily have a great way to gauge exactly what my monthly income will be. Also, these teaching/judging/gigs don't typically work on contract. I recently had an issue where I committed my workday to teach for an organization and spent hours creating new choreography for them (I even paid for music for the event). I was given 36 hours notice that the event was cancelled. Not only was I out on the salary that I was expecting, but there was not enough time to find new work to replace lost income. This isn't a frequent occurrence, but freelancers need to be efficient about spending and saving their money for times like this. It is difficult to hold somebody accountable for issues like this, as most of this type of work is done off contract. But now you can see how important it is to negotiate work that will leave you a certain amount of savings.

Lastly, freelancers have to figure out how to deal with injury. One of the scariest parts of freelancing is that many dancers can't afford health coverage. You can read further about this and find important information about how to seek coverage, if you can afford it, here. I am lucky enough that I have been able to maintain my health insurance to this point. But even with health coverage, injuries can present great problems. One of the most difficult aspects of dancing is knowing when an injury is going to take you out. Obviously, if there is a major fracture involved (knock on wood), you are not going to be able to dance. But most dancer's injuries occur from overuse or include various levels of sprains. These injuries can sometimes be pushed through. Other times, they can be pushed through to a degree, but may eventually do more serious or permanent damage. So, first a dancer needs to know their limits and determine when it is acceptable to continue working. Freelancers have a tendency to work through injuries more than regularly contracted dancers. Not only because they tend to be more aggressive and strong minded, but also because they often have no choice. "Do I pay my rent this month or do I end up back at home or living couch to couch with friends?" This is one of the hardest and scariest aspects of freelancing. If you have a great support system from your parents, the freelancing life can be simple to navigate. But if you are on your own or far away from home, there will be times that challenge your strength as a dancer and person.

There are other aspects of freelancing that are not as glorious as they seem, but negotiating work, making ends meet during off-times, and dealing with injuries are three of the harshest realities of this lifestyle. There are ways to work with each of these, but a dancer must be aware of the challenges that lay ahead of them when they choose this path. My upcoming blogs will bring "Life of a Freelance Dancer" back to more positive posts. My feelings, though, are that this blog should share every aspect of freelancing and, unfortunately, it isn't all glory.