Why "30" is a frightening age for most dancers

Alright. Alright. I turned 30 a few weeks ago. I'm lucky that I still look like I'm in my mid-twenties (or so people have told me), even though I have stepped quietly into my thirties. When revealing my age to other dancers over the past few years, I have been encouraged to lie about my age multiple times. "Why would you tell me the truth when you could easily lie down a few years." While I couldn't imagine telling people I was 25, it does make one consider if age is really that important in dance. Why does it matter if you still look and dance young.

Blowing out candles on my 30th birthday

During the weeks leading up to my mid-October birthday, I slowly spiraled into a bit of a depression. I was, mostly, in denial about the reasoning, but what it came down to was that I wouldn't be home on my birthday, my partner wouldn't be joining me in Los Angeles due to financial constraints, and I had told myself for years that I wanted to dance until I am at least 30. As the day got closer, I became more anxious, stressed, and low. Then, the day came. My host family made me feel special, my new friends made me feel cared about, my phone and Facebook exploded with love, and I was in the studio rehearsing for a show that I was excited to perform. The day came and the day passed. And I was left with a comfortable feeling in my chest. It really wasn't that big of a deal. So, why did I freak out about turning 30?

The number one fear of every single dancer is that their career will end today. We know it will end, but we don't know when. How will I go? Will I get bored? Will I have a traumatic fall? Will my body start giving out? Will I get fired and not find another job? Or will I get to choose when I go and how I go? The reality of it all? Who knows. And while we are enjoying a career in a field that is nearly impossible to become a part of, more often than not, we are trying to put off the imminent end, one plie and day at a time. We have all heard stories of harsh endings to a promising career. Most of us professionals have stood behind a fellow dancer as they take their final bow. The end is almost always bittersweet, but more often bitter and less often sweet. With all of this said, the age 30 represents a lot to many dancers.

During the summer of 2003, I transitioned from student to professional. A week before I left home to start my career with Houston Ballet, I got some very wise advice from a teacher that had just left Miami City Ballet at the age of 24. She told me to stay away from negative dancers. Her advice continued, "There will always be dancers who bitch and complain about anything and everything. If you hang out with them, even if you feel positive about work, they will bring you down and, eventually, you may start to feel the same way." This was some of the most valuable advice I ever received. And with that advice, I set a goal for myself. I want my career to outlast her impressive, but short 6-year career. Once I hit 24, I had to set a new goal because I still felt I had a lot of time. After some thought, I decided that my next marker would be the age of 30. My mentor and childhood dance teacher danced until she was 30. It seemed an obvious age to strive and reach towards. Once I hit 30, I should feel content and successful. Right?

Dancing Mercutio at 26 w/ James Moore (Photo: Angela Sterling)

When I was 26 years old, I went in for my annual artistic evaluation with the director of Pacific Northwest Ballet, Peter Boal. These contractually-obligated, yearly meetings are a time to get some feedback and to give some feedback. Peter asked me how old I was. When I said that I was 26, he nodded and smiled. "Yes. Yes. You have a few years left in you." All in all, I think Peter was trying to pay me a compliment. But immediately my insecurities about the imminent end of my career kicked in. What was he trying to say? In my vocabulary, few means 3. Did he just mark me with an
expiration date? How dare he say that. Is he going to fire me when I turn 30? At the beginning of the next season, I decided I would leave the company at the end of that season. There were a few other factors involved, but I honestly think that this one, simple comment stayed with me and was a major factor in my decision to go. I was sure that I would be pushed out of the company by the time I was 30, so I felt that I needed to leave to give myself a chance to continue dancing beyond that.

During my audition tour, I found a mixed bag of responses in my efforts to obtain a new job. I just spent 7 years dancing with one of the top companies in the country, where I had danced a handful of leading roles. Shouldn't everyone want to get a hold of me? What I found during my tour was that there is a lot more to hiring a dancer than their ability, potential, and/or notoriety. Older dancers are more experienced and they expect to be compensated for that time put in. We are more expensive. And, yes, I was an older dancer at the age of 27. Also, if a dancer goes to an AGMA company after already having danced for one, they can not be demoted. They must enter the company at the same or higher rank than they previously were with their former company. Beyond this, when a student is being hired into a company, they are, most often, hired purely on their potential. When a company contracts a more experienced dancer, they are less likely to hire a dancer for their potential and more likely to hire them if they know they are planning on moving them forward in the company. There are few mid-career dancers hired with the thought that they may be a valuable corps member or that they may have the potential to grow into a higher ranked dancer. For some of these reasons, it was very difficult for me to find a job as a middle-aged dancer.

Although I had a lot of disheartening realizations during my audition tour, there was one moment that really struck me. I have always been interested in the contemporary side of dance. One of my audition stops, which frightened me more than any other, was auditioning for Hubbard Street Dance Chicago. This was way out of my comfort zone and knowledge of the dance world. After taking class for a few days and learning a bit of repertoire, I sat down to speak with the artistic director, Glenn Edgerton. Glenn told me that he saw a lot of potential in me and thought if I got more contemporary work under my belt and came back to audition, that I might be a good candidate for the company. Following this, he asked me the same question that had been posed to me a year prior, "How old are you?" I stated my age and Mr. Edgerton quickly responded, "Oh good. You still have plenty of time." I was taken aback. For the last year, I was convinced that my career would be dead by the age of 30. This conversation gave me hope then and it gives me hope today.

As we all know, soon after this audition tour, I took a job in Philadelphia, which eventually led to me freelancing full-time. I've discussed in previous blog posts that it can become easy to live in a state of fear that your career is coming to an end when freelancing. Mine has continued through my late twenties all of my own making. And it is wildly stressful and taxing. So, as my 30th birthday approached, I started to think. "Well, my goal was to dance until I am 30. And this past year was successful, but emotionally and financially straining. How much longer can I do this? Is this it? Is this the goal I'm reaching where there won't be a next goal?" This conversation started playing itself over and over again in my head. And it is a very dangerous conversation to be having. Fortunately and unfortunately, the conversation stopped when the clock hit October 14th and I entered into middle-aged/older-aged dancer territory.

What I have learned since that day is pretty obvious to everyone and everything that doesn't exist inside my head. Nothing has changed. I am still dancing. I still want to dance. I didn't hit 30 and know the exact date of the death of my dance career. I still take class every day. My body didn't instantaneously begin to fall apart like Cinderella's attire when the clock hit midnight. I still look for the next job. I still have hopes, dreams, and aspirations as a dancer. I do feel a bit wiser and that I can truly share that wisdom based off of experience. I think it is best to say I am a more experienced dancer than an older one. I know that full-time freelancing needs to slowly turn into part-time freelancing, as I really miss having a sense of home, focus, and regularity. But that doesn't mean that my career is slowing down. It just means that it needs to focus back into company/long-term gig work (maybe Broadway). But the most interesting realization I have had is this. While I have always been a person to set a marker to reach, I haven't this time around. I don't want to worry about working towards dancing until I'm 40. If I reach that goal, I will feel successful. But if I don't, I will likely be disappointed. I would love it if I'm still healthy, happy, and dancing professionally at 40. But this time around, I don't need to set another goal to feel successful if I reach it. I have been successful and I am successful at what I do and love.

With all of this said, I leave my readers with this amazing quote from Houston Ballet's former physical therapist, Cody Brazos. One of the dancers in the company broke her foot in class after landing awry in a saut de chat. While crying in pain and panicking that her career was ending, Cody calmly looked this dancer in the eyes and said, "There is no timeline to a dance career."

There is life in dance after 30 (w/Ellen Green after the launch of Barak Ballet)

Staying in the loop

Once you stake a claim on your own little part of the dance world by becoming a freelancer, you will come to realize that, at times, you will feel more connected to the dance world than ever. On the flip-side, you will find that there are times when you feel more disconnected from dance-happenings than ever. I pass from extreme to extreme. Throwing my Contact event back in October gave me an opportunity to feel closely connected to many artists. But spending three months in Alaska, for instance, watching friend's Facebook and Twitter feeds filled with performance photos and merde wishes can make me feel that all of the excitement of the dance world is flying by thousands of miles from the epicenter of my career. I don't want to fall behind the mark. I don't want to walk into a conversation without an understanding of what is current. I don't want to stop expanding my experience as a dancer. So, I find ways to stay up-to-date on happenings in the dance world.

The art of dance is always evolving. Even when companies are putting masterful classics on their stages, the dancers who dance these works have different training, personalities, and styles that keep even the oldest of works fresh and exciting. One important aspect of the work a freelance dancer must commit to is keeping up with current happenings in their art. The dance world is wildly interconnected and people are more compelled to develop a relationship with you if they can relate to you through common bonds and interests. Dance is already a common bond, so it just needs to be cultivated. The other reason to stay up-to-date is because it improves your ability to market yourself and to search for work.

Important pieces of information to seek in your research include companies and their current programming, who is dancing where, and how companies are being perceived by the public. I find that I spend much of the summer scanning company websites to see which works they have chosen to put on during their coming season. It is always interesting to see trends and to analyze why they are happening. For instance, my first season as a professional with Houston Ballet, everybody was performing Balanchine works. If you weren't in the know, you could easily deduce that there was a reason that so many companies were performing his choreography. The reasoning? If Balanchine were still alive, it would have been his 100th birthday. This was the perfect reason to celebrate the choreographer and put his work on nearly every major and minor ballet company's stage. This season I have been quite intrigued by the multitude of companies that have restaged or premiered a new version of Stravinsky's Rite of Spring (one of my favorite pieces of music EVER!). I am not

Freshly painted for Tetley's "Rite of Spring" with PNB

aware of the reasoning behind this trend and maybe it will show its' face in the years to come. But it is likely that one company performed this work last season and the company had great ticket sales. Perhaps, a combination of one director's love for this work and the hype of one company's good fortune in the past year or so caught the attention of directors across the country. Or in the case of current up-and-coming New York City Ballet choreographer and newly-promoted soloist, Justin Peck, who recently created a piece for NYCB to rave reviews. He had one successful piece with a handful of promising write-ups and now everybody wants a piece of the pie. Miami City Ballet has already tagged their name onto his fresh success and mentioned that he was working with the company on social media. A few days after posting, they mentioned that he was working on a collaboration with only two dancers from the company. Nonetheless, they wanted to ride on this young choreographer's coat tails. But this is the beginning of a trend and I would put money down that he will be working with multiple companies over the next few years.

My reasoning for constantly checking rosters of dancers hired by companies is three-quarters professional and one-quarter personal. As I mentioned earlier, the dance world is quite small. It is easy to lose touch with friends and former peers. It is not uncommon for dancers to transition between a handful of companies as their careers evolve. I like to keep up with the whereabouts of my friends and to see how successful they have become. But on the professional side of things, it is interesting and helpful to see what kind of dancers directors are looking to hire. Rosters are usually updated somewhere between August and October prior to season opening performances. Scouting out information on dancers, their training, and their experience can help me gauge where I am in my career, where I want to go, where I should seek out work, where I shouldn't waste energy, and much more. You can also see whether a company is entering a transitional period, which may mean that they are more likely to hire freelancers as they regroup. Aside from company websites, I feel it is important to check out features in Pointe Magazine, Dance Magazine, Dance International, and Dance Spirit to see which dancers are being pushed into the spotlight. It is not uncommon for me to perform a Youtube search on these dancers to see how they dance. If I am isolated for a handful of months on a freelancing gig, this is the perfect way to inspire myself. I can look for qualities that I appreciate and take them on as corrections or goals in my everyday class and rehearsals. As dancers, I feel that we are most inspired by other dancers. I don't know one professional that began dancing because they saw a choreographer working. They were inspired by a dancer, who happened to be compelling dancing the work of a choreographer.

Performing my own work - Philly Fringe Fest(Photo:Bill Hebert)

One of the biggest challenges for me throughout my career has been to put less focus on a review/opinion and worry more about how I felt during a performance. This can be a challenge because most dancers want to see their name with stars around it. This is also harder because I have become good friends with a few reviewers for major dance publications with whom I love having lively discussions about performances we have seen. All of that aside, I find it extremely important to see how an educated audience is perceiving the growth or decline of companies. Of course, any review I read is viewed with a grain of salt and with the understanding that it is one individual's (or their small circle's) opinion. But reading multiple reviews of companies and their dancers can give me important information pertaining to what is intriguing, current, off-kilter, compelling, and beyond. Also, the more interest there is in a rising company, the more likely they are to have a multitude of reviews. I know that a performance is being given great weight if New York reviewers are sent away from their hometown to review a company's performance.

Now that I have explained all of the reasons one should stay up-to-date on all things dance, what are the best ways to stay current. First and foremost, staying in touch with your dancing friends. I find a ton of information through phone calls, Facebook/Twitter feeds, and messaging back and forth. If you don't have many friends that are involved in the professional dance world, you can follow dancers that you look up to on Twitter. Beyond that, I regularly check company websites. As I stated above, dancer rosters are typically updated between August and October. Most companies make announcements for their upcoming seasons between March and May. Many also have a press section on their website, where recent reviews and press releases are listed. I frequent the links section of Ballettalk. Each day, this site's administrators post links to reviews and stories in publications about companies large and small. Reviews and features are also posted in Pointe magazine, Dance Magazine, Dance International, Dance Spirit, and other respectable publications. If you know exactly what you are looking for, go to Google and type directly into the search box.

It is easy to fall out of touch with happenings in the dance world. If you don't put in the work to stay up-to-date, you may get behind and fall out of the loop. I always tell people that freelancing is a lot of work. Aside from dancing, teaching, marketing myself, and writing this blog, I put forth great effort in keeping up with current events. Although I am genuinely curious about what is happening out there, the time spent researching these items is work. I consider it a part of my job to put in a great deal of time doing this research. And to be completely honest, it really pays off.

Experience Post - "Works & Process" @ the Guggenheim - Avi Scher & Dancers

Performing IT MAKES ME NERVOUS by Avi Scher (Photo: Matthew Murphy)

It's really hard to perform freelancing work when you are dancing on contract for 40 weeks. For this reason, I didn't do much outside work while dancing with big companies. When word started to get out that I would not be returning during my last season with Pacific Northwest Ballet, I received a few facebook messages and emails from people to see if the news was true. One of those people was an old friend of mine, Avi Scher. He checked in to see if there was the possibility that I would be available to work in October. Lucky enough for me, I was.

Avi and I first met during our final year of training at the School of American Ballet. He had been training at the school since he was a young child. He even got to perform as Fritz in New York City Ballet's Nutcracker. Since Avi grew up in New York City, he had always lived at home. Being his final year of training, he chose to really immerse himself in the SAB experience. Although he lived only a few blocks away from the school, Avi moved into the dorms and into one of the rooms in my suite. We were in the same class and we got to know each other during that time, but he left mid-year to spread his wings down at the Miami City Ballet school. Avi has had a varied dance career, dancing as a company member and freelancer with many companies across the country. Though he has enjoyed a stellar dance career, he has also received much acclaim for his skills as a choreographer. He choreographed while at SAB and while moving around the country dancing. Eventually, he slowed down his dance career to focus on choreography and start Avi Scher & Dancers. His company has become best known for bringing in stars of American companies and mixing them with excellent-quality dancers from around the country, while still offering evenings of dance at an affordable price.

Although Avi Scher & Dancers didn't produce the evening of work I would dance in, he had been asked by the Guggenheim Museum to create for their regular educational series Works & Process. This specific series was dedicated to the music of Elliott Carter. The Guggenheim had a pretty fascinating idea to procure an evening of new choreography to his music with two choreographers creating dance on the same piece of music. Emery Lecrone and Avi both offered their choreographic voice while a moderator posed questions and offered the audience to get involved in discussion prior, inbetween, and after the performances. It was a pretty great concept.

 Avi Scher's IT MAKES ME NERVOUS (Photo: Matthew Murphy)

Around the middle of September, I came up to New York to begin preparing this project. Although Avi and I stayed connected through social networking sites and word of mouth over the years, we hadn't seen each other or chatted much since we left SAB, aside from a random, awkward pass-by as he got off a plane I was about board (I had taken an anticipatory sleeping pill for the 6 hour flight and was moderately incoherent). It was great to catch up and to get to know each other as adults. But for the most part, we had to get down to business since we only had about 2 weeks to create/learn choreography to the 6 movements of music. Not only were we short on time, but the music presented challenges. Elliott Carter did not create a typical piece of orchestrated music. The composition was atonal, plucky, and extremely complex to count. This presented a few problems. Obviously, it was difficult to count. It was also difficult to choreograph to and equally difficult to listen to for extended periods of time. I enjoy choreographing as well, but I really give Avi credit for creating his work, IT MAKES ME NERVOUS, to this music. I would have a hard time finding much inspiration in this particular work. Somehow, Avi was able to make it work and created an interesting work that was quite well-received and enjoyable to dance. In fact, Oberon's Grove said, "IT MAKES ME NERVOUS made me want a second look in order to take in all the visual polyphony."

The cast of Avi Scher's IT MAKES ME NERVOUS

Aside from dancing on an important stage in the world of dance education, the best part of this entire experience was getting the opportunity to spend an extended period of time in New York. After spending 8 years away from the east coast, while living in Houston and Seattle, I felt like I had lost many of my dance connections. Aside from getting to reconnect with Avi and meeting the amazing dancers/new friends that were a part of this project, I also had the opportunity to reconnect with a great part of the dance world that I left behind when I moved across the country. I remember the first day that I returned to Steps on Broadway to get warmed up for rehearsal. I must have run into at least 10 people that I hadn't seen in anywhere from 1 to 10 years within minutes of arriving. For this reason, I call Steps the "Cheers of the ballet world." Being so far away and isolated from the core of the dance world for 8 years, I was pretty positive that most people had forgotten who I was or that I even existed. It was exhilarating, rewarding, and heartwarming to see that I still had this great connection with so many great friends and dancers even after such a long hiatus. This experience was a great homecoming. Not only did I have this wonderful dance experience, but I also had a wonderful life experience. Sometimes, living the life of a freelance dancer can be full of great surprises and rewards.