Get Out of Your Comfort Zone - Honeymoon Edition

One of my images from our trip to Machu Picchu

Hola mi amigos! I'm BACK!!!! I hope that you haven't missed me too much. At the moment, I'm flying high on a travel-bender sitting in the aeropuerto in Lima, Peru. This isn't the first or second time I've been here in the past few weeks. But it is definitely the longest period with my current layover time queueing at 6 hours (only 2 more to go). Over the past 3 weeks, I have bartered at ramshackle markets in horribly broken Spanish with excessively wooing Peruvian ladies in Lima. I've experienced the short and light-headed breathlessness of Soroche (or altitude sickness) that walking only a few wildly tight, steeply climbing streets of historically scenic Cusco, Peru can quickly bring on. Shortly after my time in Peru, I was again fumbling through my Spanish to order enough pisco sours to loosen up and dance among the locals at a club in Santiago, Chile. Whether struggling through a conversation to purchase a bus ticket to Valparaiso, Chile, navigating the Subte (subway) in Buenos Aires, Argentina, or finding our way to the historical center of Colonia del Sacramento, Uruguay, my husband and I spent our amazing 3 week South American honeymoon utterly and uncomfortably out of our comfort zones. But it was all worth it to make it to the centerpiece of our journey, and to one of the new 7 Natural Wonders of the World, Machu Picchu! I know you've missed me (or at least my posts ;-) ) over these past weeks, but I hope you forgive me for my silence during our travels. And, even better. There's a lesson here for all!

Exploring the historic Plaza de Armas of Cusco, Peru

These past few weeks of travel have been full of fun, excitement, discomfort, frustration, unexpected joy, utter submission, and much love. A flooding array of emotions and challenges can accompany what sounds like a fun, daring adventure. But with good intentions come hard lessons. Here, food poisoning from eating at a questionable airport restaurant, exchanging money on a random street that all the travel blogs wrote to go to in order to save big bucks on exchange rates (too bad they stopped writing those blogs two years ago when these cambios, or cash houses, became obsolete and...maybe...even illegal), or walking a few miles into a sketchy neighborhood without any phone service or knowledge of transportation out of there. But at the same time, watching an ancient Inca site breathing through heavenly clouds, haggling a silkenly soft alpaca sweater to the equivalent of $10 USD, seeing the most incredible display of street art carved into the cutest city on earth, and standing by your new spouse's side to share these experiences was well worth the moments that thrust us anywhere but close to comfortable.

I wanted to talk a bit about what I've been up to, and at the same time create some relevant content for you guys. In my thought process while prepping to write this piece, it clicked for me that it was time to talk about getting out of our comfort zones. There are many ways to get out of your comfort zone. For instance, I am an expert traveler. But only when it comes to domestic travel within the United States. I haven't been out of the country in 6 years as I've focused on building certain aspects of my career. For me, I could have stayed comfortable and had my honeymoon in the US. But that idea, while easy and relaxing, would have been completely within my husband and my comfort zone. We threw around the possibility of traveling somewhere international, but in a more developed country with lavish, comfortable accommodations. This option would have been slightly out of our comfort zone, but still offer us some ease of mind and relaxation to celebrate our union. But if any of you have gotten to know me over the years while reading Life of a Freelance Dancer, you know that neither of those experiences are close to my style (nor my husbands).

Enjoying art in the Parque Esulturas in Santiago, Chile

When Danya and I looked into honeymoon options, we were most excited by traveling to places where there was a strong language barrier, where in some places you can't even brush your teeth with the water, where people asked to pose in pictures with me because they had never seen somebody with green eyes before, and where there is the possibility that we may find ourselves in potentially dangerous situations (nothing too crazy, right). Why, you may ask, would a newlywed couple want to thrust themselves this far out of their comfort zones on such an occasion as their honeymoon? Because we thrive on experiences that force us to grow, force us to question the way that we live our lives, and force us to open our minds to the possibility of greater understanding (in many areas of of life) than we have today. I feel this is a relevant lesson in life, society on a global scale, and even dance.

I remember back when I first fell in love with ballet. I didn't know much about what I was doing, aside from the knowledge that there was this amazing school where kids were selected to dance in the mornings and afternoons (the School of American Ballet) and got to focus on dance like I had been focusing on math and science. I also knew that I was a little behind, but felt I might be able to catch up if I did enough research and worked my ass off. I pulled open the January 2000 issue of Dance Magazine and decided to ask if I could audition for the summer intensives I had found with either the biggest ads or in the biggest cities (because, ya know, the bigger the city or the bigger the ad, the better the company?). I was lucky to have a supportive family and an even more supportive teacher and school director to help me follow my uncultivated dream. I jumped into the deep-end fast, and nobody stopped to second guess my ambition. And I guess a lot hasn't changed since then.

Enjoying the centerpiece of our honeymoon, Machu Picchu

After all of my summer intensive auditions that year, even as a male, I had only been accepted to a small handful of the programs I applied for (practically none with scholarship). One that gave me a minor scholarship and really stood out to me was Houston Ballet Academy. I had also received a full-ride to the now defunded Pennsylvania Governor's School for the Arts, where my mom was an alumni in their vocal department. Obviously, after her experience there, I was given a gentle, but clear push to go where the money was because I was almost guaranteed a lot of attention (especially being a male dancer) and my mom knew I would have a positive experience there.

But in typical Barry fashion, I had my eyes set on jumping into a pool of water with no definitive bottom. At the time, I just did it. But I can explain this decision more clearly now. I innately knew that there were two ways to grow as a person; in small, safe building steps or in one fell swoop with great potential for success or failure. I made the choice to put a lot of money on one number, instead of buying a handful of inexpensive scratch tickets from the lottery.

Dancing thru a tour of Teatro Colon in Buenos Aires

Looking back, I feel I did this for a good reason. If I went to the Governor's School, I would be exposed to something slightly comfortable and something slightly unknown. I would slowly begin developing a new taste for different styles of training. From there, I could slowly build to the next step. Going to Houston Ballet Academy for the summer, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Nobody I knew had attended the program previously, but I had heard positive things about it through the grapevine during auditions and from the company's very limited internet presence (remember, it was the early days of the internet). Something told me that I needed to be in an environment that I didn't understand, that tested my belief system, and that showed me a new way of looking at the world, only here it was the ballet world. I truly believe that this first risk I took in my career, before it was even a career, changed the trajectory of my life and was a major turning point in getting where I have been, where I am, and where I am going.

There is so much to learn from putting oneself out there in multiple different aspects of their lives, especially as an artist. It is the job of an artist to offer unexplored perspectives to audiences for acceptance, discomfort, and expansion of their own values and life experiences. If one doesn't want to push themselves outside of their own comfort zone, it is our responsibility to share our experiences and challenge them to grow. In life, we are often presented with three different options. Ones that allow zero growth, little growth, and great growth. Those choices that often offer the greatest growth can be the most painful, challenging, and uncomfortable experiences. Like a caterpillar bursting out of its cocoon as a butterfly or like a mother giving birth to a child, these experiences are likely very frightening and often painful. But the rewards from stepping into the unknown, discomfort and pain in growth, and expansion of mind, self, and being can reap benefits, rewards, and joy that couldn't be understood or experienced in one's life otherwise.

Taking in standing atop the amazingness that is Cusco, Peru

How to Reach Out to Somebody You Don't Know

Will this be me during my honeymoon in Buenos Aires? (Photo: Say Hueque blog)

I can't believe that this is even about to happen. But I am heading to South America on my honeymoon and I am taking my first major break from all of my teaching, choreography, and media work for the first time in 4 years. So, while I'm sauntering around the arid coast of the Pacific in Lima, Peru, absorbing the breathtaking summit above the Incan ruins of Machu Picchu, watching the sunset over the Andes from my 17th floor apartment in Santiago, and breathing in the Paris of the South culture of Buenos Aires, I will be taking a much needed (and hopefully well-deserved) 3 weeks off from blogging. I hope you don't fret too much, but if you are really hankering for some fresh new content, I have pre-recorded 3 quick concept podcasts, the Flashcast, to release every Friday that I'm away on my Pas de Chát: Talking Dance podcast. You can also catch up on the plethora of old Life of a Freelance Dancer posts by clicking on this link here. (And if you want to feel like a part of the celebration for our honeymoon, you can see my choreography/poem I performed for my husband at our wedding, you can watch the video via this link here)

Now, moving on to what you are all here for... some fresh content! I'm inspired to share information with you today from a recent experience I had. Now, I must forewarn you all. While I am ecstatic to share myself as a public persona that is both approachable and candid, at any point anybody I know/meet or any experience I have may become a topic of conversation within my media work. I don't do this for a laugh or to shame anybody. I take my work in sharing information and learning through each other's experiences very seriously. But I think that we can all learn strong lessons from one anothers missteps, failures, and successes. So, with that disclaimer out there, let's move forward with this post's topic.

Performing in "The Nutcracker" (Photo: Glenn Mata)

I recently received a Facebook message from a contact that shared mutual friends with me, but with whom I had no previous connection. I didn't know this person, but they had talked to a friend of mine who suggested she get in touch with me about freelancing. I have felt quite honored that people feel comfortable/trust me enough to contact me on the regular seeking advice on how best to go about freelancing (among many other requests that range from questions about careers to promotion). But this occasion was one of the first times that a message turned me a bit off. And, while my immediate reaction was to ignore this message and move on with my busy life, I chose to give it a day or two to settle before I made the decision to let the message sink deep into my inbox or to respond. I did this because I have actually committed this Internet Age misstep before and I wanted there to be value in my response without coming off as arrogant or offended.

What happened was this freelance artist sent me a private message stating that they knew somebody I knew. Then without providing much additional information, requested I put them in touch with my contacts to give them freelance work. What threw me off here was the appearance of expectation that I would just offer up opportunities to any person that reaches out to me and requests them. When I first read this message, I thought to myself, " Who does this person think they are? And who do they think that I am?" But once my initial reactions began to fade, I recognized that this amateur (and sometimes professional) error was one I had committed before and was more revealing of this dancer's experience and understanding of how the dance world functions than anything else.

Let's get one thing straight. There is no magical, easy way that a dancer gets work; whether they are seeking company or freelance positions. I don't have dozens of people asking me on the regular to find artists for them. In fact, my freelance career has been full of quick bursts of fantastic feasts and sometimes long, desperately desperate famine periods. The success that I have obtained in both my dancing and choreographic/teaching career have been the result of insurmountably relentless hard work, trial-and-error, and unassuming vulnerability. Looking at this dancer's daring ask, I recognized she had tapped into her vulnerability by reaching out to a stranger who had figured out their own path to success in her field of interest. But, perhaps, her error lay in zeal. Instead of taking some time to develop a carefully curated approach, she asked to ride on the coat tails of my perceived success. Yet, even if I had work to offer, I already knew that she was unlikely to be in a place to best represent me as an example of my taste and consideration for excellence. It is important to remember that any referral almost equally reflects back on the person who suggested a dancer for work.

Before I even perused this dancer's Facebook account, I was already questioning whether she was working at a high enough level to perform some of the work that she had requested. Let me preface this with a disclaimer that I still don't know the true quality of this dancer, therefore I can't judge them. And if I did, I would not share that information publicly. But alarm bells rang the moment I finished reading the Facebook message I received because the request was missing important pieces of information, had one glaring statement, and read overall as an assumption that I already wanted to help. The missing information was a clear error, as there was no professional background or history given by this dancer whatsoever. No statement of past experience, no images or reel to validate quality, and no resumé or CV to inform me that "I am a highly-qualified candidate for work." The glaring statement that jumped out to me let me know that they were mostly looking to perform starring roles in works, but would be willing to step into lesser roles if they weren't available. And the final deal-sealer was the request I already spoke about to be put in contact with "my people" (which, unfortunately don't really exist). By the time I reluctantly sauntered over to her profile to perform a quality assurance search on photos, I already knew that if I could have helped that I would probably have passed up.

Me and "My People" (Photo: Danya)

Why am I sharing this story? I honestly fear that it may come off as mean-spirited, but that is not my true intention. And I can best prove this point by telling you about the time that I did this. When I was a kid at the young age of 19, I was hired by Roy Kaiser to dance with Pennsylvania Ballet 2 (PB2), the studio company to the main company. After accepting this position, but not having signed a contract, I received a better offer in the form of a company position as an Apprentice with Houston Ballet. I called up PB2 and gave them the bad news that I would not be signing the contract heading to me in the mail. A year later, they were gracious enough to let me audition for the company again. Though this time, my efforts didn't end with a job offer. After joining Pacific Northwest Ballet and feeling like I needed a place where I could progress faster, I reached out to PA Ballet again. Though, this time I was given some bad advice and made the poor choice to follow it. My young, overly ambitious Corps de Ballet self said something along the lines of this. "Dear Roy, I am contacting you to express my interest in joining Pennsylvania Ballet as a Soloist. My technique has grown tremendously over the past few years at PNB. Additionally, having come from the suburbs of Philadelphia, I feel that I could be a great box office draw and help bring in a wider range of audience members from the suburbs." There was more to it, but that is the gist of my note. There it is, perhaps, my most embarrassing correspondence ever!

So, I hope you can see how all of this relates. What I did there was I tried to show confidence and get the recipient on board with what I felt I had to offer. But it instead showed a lack of grace, humility, and general understanding about the way that things work in our field. This was the same mistake that this hopeful freelancer made when reaching out to me. By reaching out to me in the way she did, I already didn't trust her as a person and wrote her off as unqualified or having an over-inflated sense of worth as a dancer. This was almost to the point where I considered ignoring the message.

Now, let's move forward with this. What can we learn from these stories? In the event that you want to reach out to somebody to ask them for work (whether dancing, teaching, choreographing, or beyond - both in and out of the dance world), I always suggest that you introduce yourself quickly on a personal level and more in depth on a professional level. Don't wait for the recipient to request information to back up your requests for work or networking (like a website, CV/résumé, photos, reel, etc.). Do be sure to clearly express what you hope to get out of the contact while keeping your word count to a minimum. Be wary of making assumptions that this person already wants to help you. I always say the best way to go about this is to ask for assistance in reaching your intention or for information about how to go about getting what you are looking for, instead of going straight for the punch and asking for work. Sometimes, this is unavoidable, but try to be direct without being demanding. Beyond this (and this doesn't apply for me because I do suggest the public reach me via my website contact page for anything from work to personal questions or via Facebook message for personal questions), if at all possible, try and contact people via a professional email address. Most people prefer to keep Facebook personal. Requesting work or help with getting work is not a personal request and can really turn somebody off if they don't know who you are.

It can be challenging to determine the best, most streamlined way to find success and live out your dreams. One of the hardest pieces of this puzzle is helping to tie people into your network without coming off like you are only using that person for your own professional gain. Be sure that you are always prepared to share a sufficient amount of information and you will come off as somebody who knows the way our world works because you have functioned within it. We live in a tricky web where some things work for some people and don't work for others. But please feel free to use this information as a guideline to help expand your network and to hopefully get that work you are seeking!